Confessions of a Yin Yang. : Goodbye Stigma, Hello Education

"The only reason I've shared my story is to take that tiny baby step of breaking down the stigma attached to depression." Clara Hughes

"Hello darkness, my old friend

I've come to talk with you again

Because a vision softly creeping

Left its seeds while I was sleeping

And the vision that was planted in my brain

Still remains

Within the sound of silence

you do not know

Silence like a cancer grows

Hear my words that I might teach you

Take my arms that I might reach you"

But my words like silent raindrops fell

And echoed in the wells of silence"

Knowledge is power, power is everything. This blog started out as my escape from life to be able to write my struggles out. I have slowly started to allow people in my life to come read it. Only people who I feel safe with know of my struggle. Odds are one of my children will have Bi polar disorder and it scares me to death that they will have to endure the hardships that come with it until they can find balance. I write this as a place for them to see the honesty of how I dealt with my own story. Some facts about this is that most people are diagnosed in their late 20's, early 30's. It is "genetic, biological, and environmental" . Some may think Bi Polar is something to be feared because someone at the drop of a hat can turn out to be like the Hulk. One minute calm the next a ragging person. I am sure there are people out there when triggered will be this way, but for most people, this is a stigma toward persons living with Bi polar. Many times people won't even know if someone is Bi Polar, just like you can't always tell if someone is in the early stages of cancer. There are times when during mixed episodes this can happen for some, however it's like saying all women are like this during the time of month. While true for many, not everyone is this way LOL. .. there is no one size that fits all. I personally have Bi Polar II which means I am mostly depressed (my last depression was 4 months and I notice it comes from triggers, seasons, and so on) and then with feelings of hypomania. That doesn't mean there is always behaviors that are destructive. Sometimes you just are happy and feel alive. I have been in what's called a "MIXED EPISODE" where you feel depressed, but feel peaceful and have energy at the same time. Honestly, it is the weirdest feeling. It's during these that most people committ suicide because they have enough energy to follow suit. (people with Bi Polar are 20x more likely to commit suicide than those with clinical depression) For me, it's more like I'm depressed for a long time, and maybe happy for two weeks before the depression hits again.....sometimes I can tell the minute I'm starting to climb out of the dark hole of depression....and miss the elevator to FEELING NORMAL and go straight on up to " ALIVE" A lot of times PTSD can make Bi Polar come on faster. It's a survival mode. You are so tired of living depressed, you want to reach out to breathe. I can come to my husband and say "Oh my gosh, I think I'm in a high. I'm scared. I hate it." and other times when I think I'm just fine, and my husband can tell I am in a high and I am oblivious. I have learned that my husband is my safe guard and that I can trust him. Nothing, like a mental illness can bring you to your knees and nothing can hurt and yet help your relationship more than having someone you can be completely honest to. It wasn't always this way, but that's for another day. Here are the different types of Bi Polar:

"What Are the Different Types of Bipolar Disorder?

▪ Bipolar I is considered the classic type of bipolar disorder. Individuals experience both manic and depressive episodes of varying lengths.

▪ Bipolar II involves less severe manic episodes than bipolar I; however, their depressive episodes are the same.

▪ Cyclothymia is a chronic but milder form of bipolar disorder, characterized by episodes of hypomania and depression that last for at least two years.

▪ Mixed episodes are ones in which mania and depression occur simultaneously. Individuals might feel hopeless and depressed yet energetic and motivated to engage in risky behaviors.

▪ Rapid-cycling bipolar individuals experience four or more episodes of mania, depression or both within one year.

▪ Mood states are highly variable. Some people can experience mood changes in one week, while others can spend months or even years in one episode."

The funny thing is I thought I was alone when I was diagnosed. Even I had the stigma that people with Bi Polar were a little nutty. I knew a woman who had it, and she was nothing like me. I was scared to even admit I was diagnosed because of how I judged this woman. For instance, she would get angry and she was actually very blunt and quite rude. I on the other hand, never get angry with it. I am sometimes what people call "Too trusting, too nice" and I am never blunt to someone's face. I have come far since then, but you get the point we really were "polar opposites". Then I started to wonder where it came from, yes, I have history of depression in my family tree, but it wasn't until I talked with some family members that I found out it runs in both sides of my family and it runs deep. Many times it can be masked with alcohol or drug abuse, because people want the pain to stop so they grasp onto anything to numb the pain.

If anything, I want the stigma of mental illness to come out and be wiped clean. Ignorance may be bliss for the ignorant, but it leads to pain to others.I think as parents we have an opportunity to make a difference in the lives of our children. I chose to be open about subjects and help my children see sides of different aspects so that they can make their own conclusions and not just conform to mine. I have been to more funerals from suicide than I have of anything else. I sense the pain of the loved one passed on and I get why they did it. Not a judgment call, but more of a "I understand. " I also see the aftermath of hell from those that loved them, even those they probably never realized their death would have an affect on. As someone who feels deeply, or empathetically, funerals are hard to set up boundaries because I can feel the sorrow way before I even get to the funeral home. Learning to protect and set boundaries so I don't take on others emotions is a struggle of it's own. It's the same reason why I can't watch violent movies, or watch the news anymore. It's effects are crippling. One of my kids came to me and said "My friend .(name withheld) Said that .....(name withheld)... who committed suicide is going to hell. " I asked my kid what they thought. " Wasn't she already living it? We shouldn't judge. We don't know what she was going through." It took me back but made me so proud of my kid. Now, don't read this and think that suicide doesn't have long lasting effects on the families that have their whole life uprooted from suicide. It does, and I don't think anything more can leave impacts on the future generations of those who lost a loved one to it. The only way to combat is like the last article in my previous post said, to understand and to not judge. I had a friend reach out to me recently saying that someone she loved who was going through a faith crisis was in the hospital after a failed suicide attempt. She asked what she could do to help her. I told her the first thing is to educate herself about it. Yes, her friend is going to need a lot of support and love, but just like a funeral, when the weeks or months go by and reality sets in, is the time she will need her most. don't get upset when she cancels plans, when she is alone in her home. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. Of course we all would feel like it is, but it's not. It's something deep within her that she is battling It's not fair to ask you to be the bigger person, but you will have to be. You will have to not take things personal, and step up. When all the flowers and flowing of love have gone away and she is alone in her mind once more.. is when she needs support. Second, to realize my friend can't fix or change her friend. She can only love her. If she is going to commit suicide, she is going to do it, eventually.. unless SHE decides not to. She can get all the help she needs, but until she finds that safe haven of dealing with her disease, there is no guarantee. SUPPORT IS HUGE. Sometimes its the leading factor that makes one not feel alone that makes all the difference. I have known people who go to the hospital for a few weeks and have received help. They are brave to go check in because in this day and age the stigma attached with a "SUICIDE ATTEMPT" can be altering in the workforce, relationships, and so on. But, I believe people who know their limits and know they need help shows that they really understand that they are a survivor and they are going to keep fighting. Third, It's the small things that are HUGE. Bringing dinner, texting a "I am thinking of you and I love you." Asking her if there is anything she needs, sending a flower, a basket of goodies, or a simple note can make all the world a difference.

Who is at risk of bipolar disorder?

More than 10 million Americans have bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder affects men and women equally, as well as all races, ethnic groups, and socioeconomic classes.

Although men and women appear to be equally affected by bipolar disorder, rapid cycling is seen more often in women. Women also tend to experience more depressive and mixed state episodes than do men. A man's first experience with bipolar disorder may be in a manic state; women tend to first experience a depressive state.

Bipolar disorder can present itself at any age, but typically, onset occurs around age 25.

I think after Robin Williams death, people were shocked. How could a guy who seemed so successful, and funny have done something like this? Sadly, it took the death of someone for stigma to be stirred up and calmed down. When we hear of a shooting somewhere, we automatically think they must be "Crazy" and have mental illness right? But statistically speaking, people with mental illness are more likely to be victims than the perpetrator, and are shown to have high levels of empathy. I think people who go on shooing sprees lack something, EMPATHY. No one is immune, but we all have a choice to continue to make scare the public about mental disorders that we don't understand, or we can chose to be educated. A lot of people in creative careers like writing, artist, and actors have mental illness related to depression and/or bipolar. Here are a few.