I once was an extrovert....

I once was an extrovert as I would be the first one to take cookies to new neighbors and introduce myself. I would go sit next to the ones all by themselves at church, or at school because I put myself in their shoes. I would find the differences of people to make my heart happy. I once visited and worked at a nursing home where I made friends with elderly people who would tell me their life story. I felt the love that they gave me in my life and it truly made me happy. I had lots of friends and made a lot of fun parties, get togethers, and girl nights. I would laugh, and I miss the joy of hearing myself laugh. I had a quick wit and enjoyed things that made me laugh my stresses away. If I was at a party I wanted to go talk to everyone. I felt alive. However, I once was an introvert too.... Growing up I always needed to be with my friend by my side. Once I felt comfortable in a setting, that's when I tucked away the introvert inside me and I came alive. Over the years however, something seeped within me and I am not sure if it's from the faith crisis of losing my religion, my bi polar or both, that I feel like something out of place in this world. I put too much faith in humanity because its what I want to see in this world. A world of love, friendship, and empathy. However, how do you explain to someone that something is trapping you inside. You make plans and they fall through. It's out of your control. I'm not a victim in anything and I do take responsibility, yet there is something that has taken the girl I used to be and has tucked her lifeless body somewhere that I can't find. Sometimes I get a glimpse of her when I see things of my past, hear the songs that meant something to me, or find myself laughing if even for a second. If I could change anything about all of this, this would be it. It's getting worse the older I get and after talking to some people who also have bi polar, I realize I'm not alone in my feelings. We joke that we should make plans but we all know one of us might cancel. The nice part is knowing and understanding that the one who did cancel had that stranger who stole our younger self greet them at the door. They froze and while a huge part of them wanted to go be free, the demon inside won. We don't get mad. What's bizarre is a part of us feel relieved that we didn't have to leave the house. Anxiety stops and we can breathe, until we beat ourselves up for being lonley and feeling that we are pushing people away. We soon come to realize it's not us who is pushing others away, because whatever this monster is, is pushing us away too. We don't understand it, yet we are left trying to explain it. It hurts us too. The worst words someone with bi polar can hear is "why can't...." . There are times my extrovert gets to show herself, but as the years go on its starting to fade. I wish she would come out because I want my kids to know who I was when I was "fun" and why it's so hard for me to go run at the park just to play night games or sit outside to look at the stars. This monster is stealing not only my youth, but the youth of my children. I can't look at it that way or depression creeps in. I just keep busy. I try to find ways to bandage the pain in my soul but it's hard to do at times. I really miss who I once was,yet at the same time I love who I have become. Bi polar much?!