Deep

"Alone with my thoughts; the future and past, 

Sailing along with the flags half-mast.

Memories attacking me, far too many for too fast

They seek me out - and come at last! 

Alone with my thoughts; so dark and dry.

But hopes here with me, lighting the sky.

The gates collapse and soft eyes cry, 

A heart wishing to be free to tumble and fly." 

- deep dark soul poet

Have you ever been canoeing on a lake where you look at the depths as you put your oar into the water? You come across weeds in the shallow part of the water, but as you inch closer to the middle you no longer can see anything but black abyss? You wonder how deep it really is and what is lurking under you.  It scares you to dwell on it and you swift past the blackness faster. I have a dark abyss hidden behind the subconscious door of my mind. I don't know what lurks behind and it's closed for a reason. All the darkness of this disease gets filtered from my mind and slammed behind that closed door. Many times it replenishes itself and I have no idea whats growing. Do I dare open it and try to learn how I am feeling, or will this be a trigger and that darkness will engulf me as if I have fallen out of the canoe and the unseen weeds pull me under? Or is it like a nurse who has to go deep enough to get the IV deep enough to penetrate deeper than the first layer of skin so she can make one better? These are questions I have asked myself this week after my husband asked why I don't tell my true feelings on this blog. I sat and thought for awhile and then realized I am too scared to open that door. I am not sure what impulses might come out from the shadows of my soul and haunt me. I have worked too hard to get to a good place filled with peace and self worth, or is that just the scapegoat because deep down I am sinking and I am sinking fast. Then I feel a part of me able to catch on to something, maybe it's that "hope" that has also been in my mind that shields the subconscious of my mind like a guard at the prison door. It's the definition of bi polar.;Extreme poles. One minute I feel fine, the next I am scared. I'm alone.... and parts of me want to be alone, parts of me longs for people to be around. I am trapped in my own fight. I'm not sure who wins, the introvert or the extrovert in me for that battle.