" Consider this, the slip that brought me to my knees, failed. What if all these fantasies come flailing around. Now I've said too much.... but that was just a dream. That's me in the corner, that's me in the spot light losing my religion... oh no, I've said too much.." R.E.M
Hypermania. Mania. The feeling of being deceived. What does mania feel like? Well I only suffer from hypermania which is not as severe as mania, but for kicks and giggles I am just going to be saying "mania". As a young kid I was afraid of clowns, they looked so friendly until you are in the 5th grade and you watch Stephen King's "IT." They are a joker that is out for the kill. Mania is a lot like this. After the depths of depression, something inside you comes alive. You have full energy, you smile, you are so fun to be around. The introvert inside you dies and the extrovert is out in full swing. For me, I get very creative and I get a lot accomplished during these creative times. I feel like I am on top of the world and back in high school again, every song on the radio makes me feel free. I feel like when you step inside a limo and lift the roof to stand up and feel the wind in your face and lift your arms in the air and take it all in. If this was the only side to mania, I would absolutely love it. However, here comes the deceiving part. This is the part where when you have mania, the part of your brain that warns you of consequences to your decisions have gone to sleep. You lose your appetite, you work out more, your house is clean, you want to go out with friends, dance, be wild and lose yourself in life. You feel this grand adventure coming on and you can't sleep. You laugh more, you feel like you are beautiful. Far more women than men can get something called "hypersexuality." This could be triggered from PTSD or just can come on out of the blue no matter how severe, it's also hereditary as the disease. However, hypersexuality isn't really about the act of sex, because no matter how many times you are physical with someone, you can't get satisfied, it just leaves you hollow and frustrated. You start to use people, just to get the next fix of trying to feel good. It may not even be sex, just sexual in nature like texting. It could be not even having sex with anyone, just the feeling of being valued. This doesn't mean you always sleep with tons of people. It may mean two sexual encounters a year. However, this also could be with complete strangers that you don't know from Adam. (it's different for everyone so I am trying to include all aspects, not necessarily my experiences) You are so fixed on getting this addiction met that you don't think of the bad things and dangers that can occur around you. It's amazing how it can fall in your lap even when you aren't looking. It is about the chase of feeling wanted, validated, and loved, that you don't even realize how selfish you are being by using people to get another high like a drug. Then after all this you wake up. The guilt sets in, the sick pain in your gut of knowing you not only hurt yourself by crossing boundaries if you even had any, but you now have to come to turns that you do have weakness's and you aren't superhuman. Over time this gets easier to set boundaries before that part of your brain falls asleep so you have warning signals. If you live with a spouse, other family, or friends that can be there to help you know when you are in a high (because many times you don't realize it at first. ) The worst part is the time comes when you have to come clean to those who love you most and watch a part of you die. You ask yourself why you couldn't have been stronger. You are normally the one with the good head on your shoulders giving others advice, What's wrong with you? These triggers throw you on the downhill of depression once more. you start to sink and there is nothing your loved one can do to help you out of this. Most people who are bi polar self medicate and they love their highs. I hate them. I can feel them coming on and I love feeling alive but it scares me the damage that might happen in the meantime. I am no longer in 5th grade and I haven't been afraid of clowns for a long time, but there is nothing more haunting then the damage your high can create. Mania's scare the living hell out of me. It's when you are falling back into depression after a high that can be a "mixed episode" when people have just enough energy and depression to end their life. Add low self worth and you have one scary cocktail. That being said, there are ways to learn to give yourself grace, and love yourself with every choice you have ever made, it's all these decisions and experiences that can help us help another.
-A-
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
The Scarlet Letter-A
"She had not known the weight, until she felt the freedom." - The Scarlet Letter
This blog is all my inner thoughts on living life with Bi Polar II, the good, the bad, and the ugly. However, this is for anyone whether it be mental illness, addiction, or anything that you have a hard time articulating how you feel, to know you aren't alone.
People have asked me " What is it like having bi polar?" I ask if they want the real answer or the nice one. This blog is going to be authentic. All the thoughts and stories are pieces of my tattered soul that have been woven into who I am today. This is for me to get my thoughts out and for you to see what it really is like. You will notice through my writing when I am in a hypermania stage with racing thoughts and you will also know through my writing when I am in the depression. I wanted to write TRIGGER on my posts that may be a trigger, but unfortunately that would be all of them. This is your TRIGGER warning now, so read with caution. This will include thoughts of depression, hypersexuality, deep thoughts, swearing, and even thoughts on suicide.
What is it like living with bi polar ? First, let's start with the down side of depression. I am a visual learner,so for that purpose I want you to imagine in your head you suddenly appear on an old battle field. You are in a cold, damp, trampled down field that once would've been a beautiful sight, but now is haunting with blood spilled everywhere. You look around to see if anyone is around, and you realize you are alone and therefore, that blood is yours. It may be your blood, but you don't have any memory of it. You look down to see the fields stained with foot prints in all different directions like there have been battles here in your mind before. While you try to figure out the stories that may have happened here before by investigating the clues, the fog starts to set in and you aren't sure what to expect. You hear something in the distance and you fear that you may not be alone after-all. You aren't sure what scares you more, the fear of being alone, of the fear of the unknown. You see traces of yourself laying facedown in the trenches around you. Parts of who you used to be shattered and and the light of those beings gone forever. It's a distant memory and you aren't sure yet how many pieces of yourself and ages of yourself have already been defeated. That is when you notice the huge breathing monster of a dragon staring above you with his fiery eyes ready for blood. You don't have a weapon, you barley have your clothes for protection; yet this dragon knows he is going to defeat you once again by the staunch look of familiarity he has on his face and he knows you even if you aren't sure about him. At this point he comes after you, You run. Running is your survival mode. You don't know how this dragon works, you don't have a plan. It has snuck up on you without much warning and you have no one you can turn to for help. You are fighting for you. As you start to run, you realize there isn't a way out, This dragon can appear in unrealistic ways that don't seem possible and that is exactly what he has done. He is there contorting his body to hit you. He swings, and he the pain trumps you. The sting throws you down on the ground, breathless and broken. You don't have a choice but to get up before he swings his tail at you again. You are bruised but you get up. He hits you again and this time your head starts spinning and you cough out the blood that has been rushing through your head. Your thoughts are slowed, your eyes are dizzy and foggy. Yet you see him coming again. This dragon is relentless. You finally get up and grab a stick, your only defense and start hitting him with it. Of course you know this dragon will one day defeat all of you, but as long as you have the will to keep fighting, you will. He may break you down, you just can't stop fighting back.
Now imagine all of this happening and you have to keep all of your thoughts focused on this battle so you don't get defeated, but the real world is still happening around you. You have people you love who want your attention and don't understand why you can't give them more of you. The problem is the more you give, the more the dragon is beating you down even further into despair. The simple question of "Why can't you..." is damaging more than the dragon's blows. You can't make sense of it yourself, so how on earth are you going to tell them how you are feeling? You want to explain that a part deep within you wants to get out of the house, wants to go outside, but something holds you down against your will and it frustrates you to tears that you can't get your body to walk outside. It's mentally crippling you. You want to sleep but you have to still live and be a parent, spouse, friend, employee, student, or whatever it may be. The fog sets in and you feel like a zombie wanting to sleeping away the depression, you are breathing but you aren't living. Your body literally aches and all you can think of is feeling like you are on fire and wanting the pain to end. The ONLY saving grace and defense is your own self approval and self worth, which sometimes goes out the window during your lows. Once you awake and notice the dragon is gone, you learn to breath again until the roller coaster of bi polar takes you for another ride.... This time it's opposite... mania. Little do you know this will continue to happen over and over again whenever triggers in your lifecome up, or when it just wants to bare it's ugly head out of the blue. However, through time you start to learn your triggers and defenses. You may find others who suffer the same issues, but those battles are theirs alone, just like you are the only one who can fight yours.
-A-
People have asked me " What is it like having bi polar?" I ask if they want the real answer or the nice one. This blog is going to be authentic. All the thoughts and stories are pieces of my tattered soul that have been woven into who I am today. This is for me to get my thoughts out and for you to see what it really is like. You will notice through my writing when I am in a hypermania stage with racing thoughts and you will also know through my writing when I am in the depression. I wanted to write TRIGGER on my posts that may be a trigger, but unfortunately that would be all of them. This is your TRIGGER warning now, so read with caution. This will include thoughts of depression, hypersexuality, deep thoughts, swearing, and even thoughts on suicide.
What is it like living with bi polar ? First, let's start with the down side of depression. I am a visual learner,so for that purpose I want you to imagine in your head you suddenly appear on an old battle field. You are in a cold, damp, trampled down field that once would've been a beautiful sight, but now is haunting with blood spilled everywhere. You look around to see if anyone is around, and you realize you are alone and therefore, that blood is yours. It may be your blood, but you don't have any memory of it. You look down to see the fields stained with foot prints in all different directions like there have been battles here in your mind before. While you try to figure out the stories that may have happened here before by investigating the clues, the fog starts to set in and you aren't sure what to expect. You hear something in the distance and you fear that you may not be alone after-all. You aren't sure what scares you more, the fear of being alone, of the fear of the unknown. You see traces of yourself laying facedown in the trenches around you. Parts of who you used to be shattered and and the light of those beings gone forever. It's a distant memory and you aren't sure yet how many pieces of yourself and ages of yourself have already been defeated. That is when you notice the huge breathing monster of a dragon staring above you with his fiery eyes ready for blood. You don't have a weapon, you barley have your clothes for protection; yet this dragon knows he is going to defeat you once again by the staunch look of familiarity he has on his face and he knows you even if you aren't sure about him. At this point he comes after you, You run. Running is your survival mode. You don't know how this dragon works, you don't have a plan. It has snuck up on you without much warning and you have no one you can turn to for help. You are fighting for you. As you start to run, you realize there isn't a way out, This dragon can appear in unrealistic ways that don't seem possible and that is exactly what he has done. He is there contorting his body to hit you. He swings, and he the pain trumps you. The sting throws you down on the ground, breathless and broken. You don't have a choice but to get up before he swings his tail at you again. You are bruised but you get up. He hits you again and this time your head starts spinning and you cough out the blood that has been rushing through your head. Your thoughts are slowed, your eyes are dizzy and foggy. Yet you see him coming again. This dragon is relentless. You finally get up and grab a stick, your only defense and start hitting him with it. Of course you know this dragon will one day defeat all of you, but as long as you have the will to keep fighting, you will. He may break you down, you just can't stop fighting back.
Now imagine all of this happening and you have to keep all of your thoughts focused on this battle so you don't get defeated, but the real world is still happening around you. You have people you love who want your attention and don't understand why you can't give them more of you. The problem is the more you give, the more the dragon is beating you down even further into despair. The simple question of "Why can't you..." is damaging more than the dragon's blows. You can't make sense of it yourself, so how on earth are you going to tell them how you are feeling? You want to explain that a part deep within you wants to get out of the house, wants to go outside, but something holds you down against your will and it frustrates you to tears that you can't get your body to walk outside. It's mentally crippling you. You want to sleep but you have to still live and be a parent, spouse, friend, employee, student, or whatever it may be. The fog sets in and you feel like a zombie wanting to sleeping away the depression, you are breathing but you aren't living. Your body literally aches and all you can think of is feeling like you are on fire and wanting the pain to end. The ONLY saving grace and defense is your own self approval and self worth, which sometimes goes out the window during your lows. Once you awake and notice the dragon is gone, you learn to breath again until the roller coaster of bi polar takes you for another ride.... This time it's opposite... mania. Little do you know this will continue to happen over and over again whenever triggers in your lifecome up, or when it just wants to bare it's ugly head out of the blue. However, through time you start to learn your triggers and defenses. You may find others who suffer the same issues, but those battles are theirs alone, just like you are the only one who can fight yours.
-A-
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)