I thought about writing when I was in a good mood, but maybe I just have more emotions to write when I am in a low. I haven't yet written the post of my latest episode that scared the living hell out of me last Sunday. This post is more for me to remember the feelings I felt.

Oct 20, 2015- " The older I get the harder my depression is to handle. Thoughts one should never think lurk at every corner . I imagine myself driving down a hill and I see a lake at the end of the road. I try to break as hard as I can, but my breaks are broken. It doesn't matter if I stomp on them as hard as I can, nothing stops. Something lunges me forward and all I can do now is try to brace myself for the wreck that's about to happen, and it makes me feel like I'm drowning at times. There are days I wake up feeling like I have been beaten physically, and emotionally I'm in the same type of pain when I loose a loved one,  a pain of mourning.The pain doesn't end. What's weird is I have self worth but impulsive thoughts won't let me breathe. What brings these episodes so strongly and closer together lately is religious triggers. I won't admit how bad I'm at right now but I'm scared. I'm trying to get help. My mom talked to me and for a minute I wanted to just go back to the way things were. If this was God's way of having me turn to him according to her( I would hope a God wouldn't give me this just to turn to him.) then I can't white knuckle it anymore. I put up the white flag! It does matter to me that people are concerned i'm lost for leaving. I feel abandoned because I feel that their love was conditional It's like I take one step forward and two steps back. Maybe I can't do it alone anymore. I have to be vulnerable yet I don't even know where to turn when my higher power was myself and I can barley keep me a float.....Whoever says leaving is the easy way or religious trauma syndrome isn't real has not lived in the hell inside my head."

Friends with a ghost

I lost a friend today.
My heart is shattered into a million pieces
The blow of reality pains me
I mourn time we spent together
I miss the familiarity of her face
The laughter until our ribs hurt
The tears as it stained each other's shoulders
The Joys in life
Comfort in hugs embraced
I was someone she could depend on
I confided in her with deepest heartaches
My heart will long for her even when I see her

You see,  my friend isn't dead,
she is sleeping
Something changed.
I took my clipped wings and learned how to fly
That change unfortunately was me...


Now her words pierce my soul in hopes that will cage my spirit once more.
She haunts my dreams without knowing it
I hope she can truly rest in the peace of
knowing that our differences took the life of our friendship.
Today I set my friend free
For along time ago, she did the same to me.

My blog is going private so if you want to continue to read and haven't sent me your email, please do so. Also, thank you for those of you who have opened up to me or even just commenting. It really helps me and I enjoy knowing that it's helping someone out there too. One thing to mention is that my thoughts run faster than my hands type, so sorry to the Nazi Grammar's out there because I know I have many mistakes if I don't proof read. I need an editor I think... Jk. I will go back and fix the mistakes so hopefully you understand what I am trying to say. :)