Nothing lasts forever... or does it?

"Nothing Lasts Forever"- Brett Dennen 

I saw you spiraling
I saw you spinning back in time
through all your memories
such a quiet disease
you had forgotten me
but I'll always remember you dancing
across the kitchen in your orange handkerchief
such a quiet disease
I pray that when you dream you would remember everything
you know it all comes back to you
in one conscience dream
maybe you'd sing and put words to all the things
that you think of in a day
but forgotten how to say
nothing last forever
not even the mountains
someday they will be swept away and swallowed by the sea
we all shall be blessedly released
life is so precious it's as fragile as a dream
and in a moment we all grow our wings
I wish to sing as if no ones listening
I wish to dance as if no one is watching
I wish to dance as if no one is watching
and I, give thanks for my dreams
you can rob me of my sight
and you can poison my blood stream
but as long as I can dream then life is worth living
nothing last forever
not even the mountains
someday they will be swept away and swallowed by the sea
we all shall be blessedly released
nothing last forever
not even the sun
for all we know it could have burned out light years ago
darkness remains the hardest thing for us to outrun"

My thoughts right now are scattered, like glass shards all over the cold kitchen wooden floor. I think I have picked them all up and then out of the blue, a lone piece slices a piece of my delicate self. There are times when I am doing really good in my life, I find happiness in the familiar faces that surround me everyday, the laughter that come from these children of mine. I take my life story and I bind it up in my soul, no longer sharing it with whoever wants to know my life. It is sacred. It is mine. I may be very empathetic and hope others would be too, but many times they aren't and so my story is my plant within, and everytime I share it I have to tear it out and restart the growth. This last year has been one of the most learning phases of my life. I learned in the mist of hell, to love myself. I no longer care what others may think, because what they think of me is none of my business. People ask if I am happy. Happiness comes and goes, but peace is what to search for, because peace can stay when the darkness sets in. I am my own best friend, I treat myself with grace. When depression sets in I give myself patience, and I know it will one day pass. When I finally think I understand this disease, I realize it laughs in my face as it resembles the way its going to show it's ugly head. I normally get the summer blues, I hate the heat. I struggle with change. However, this year it hasn't just been seasons, its been triggers. Sometimes I am really good to handle change and triggers, and other times it throws me for a loop. I have been in a depressed state for four months. I finally got out but that only lasted two weeks. Currently, I just finished a school course that took away my summer that I can never get back. I finished it and yet the depression seeps in my sore bones.  How do I know when I am being me or when I am being part of my disease? I think asking important questions can bring us to a higher plane in life, a mature plane, a place where only growth can occur. If we don't ask questions, if we don't try to grow and take responsibility and think we know everything, we are therefore stagnant and can't grow. When a person may ask if they are narcissistic, I think that is good indication they are not. I say this because the other day, I found a picture my ten year old made of death. "Where do I go when I die?" It is hard enough  being 32 and struggling with a faith crisis in the past year and finally finding my peace, let a lone a 10 year old. How easy it is to explain life when we act like we know all the answers, when in fact, just because we feel, doesn't make it true. Unless we have been dead ourselves, we can only hope. Hope is important, but people take offense when I say they don't know for sure, they hope. Hope is power. Since I have never been dead, I decided to tell him all the different types of beliefs that people have. I told him about atheism. I told him that taking my anatomy class has made me realize that we really are our brain. We have nerves that go to each parts of our body through different nervous systems that helps send messages of hormones that make us feel, think, see, grow, and so on. Where is the main visual center? In the occipital lobe in the BACK of the brain. The heart, is only a pump. A pump full of blood. An engine so to speak for our body. It's our brain that makes us do everything. Like Aristotle said " I think, therefore I am" I can now say that I am no longer afraid to think if the brain is gone, so are we. I don't have any of the answers nor do I claim to, but I can now say that whatever happens, there is no fear, shame, or guilt. I told my son, if we die and there is nothing, it is nothing to be scared of, for it is the time we really can rest in peace. We will be no longer. I isn't scary for the one who dies, but what about the loved ones who have passed on? Well, we learn to stop waiting to die to see them, we take their memory NOW, we put who they were and let them live within us. We bring their memory alive. We know for a certain this is the LIFE we have NOW. Nothing else is guaranteed.  I have told my husband this, and while I have had experiences with what I believe are those who have passed on, I can't explain it because it was a feeling, I have no proof, I would be immature not to ask myself " Is it just the empathy of energy that I am feeling? The energy of being an empath of feeling the feelings that happened in a place I come into? "  I look at fire and I see it is just energy, water is energy molecules bunched together to bring something to life. SO can emotions stay around us without being seen and as an empath am I picking up on those things? Or is this also a by product of my illness? My creativity, my ocd with doing my homework and getting jobs done, with being very empathetic, could it so be that my experiences with the "Dead" have also been just that? I don't have the answers. I will ask myself to keep myself in check. I won't claim they are truth, just experiences and one day I might find out the answers. I look around in life and too many people fight over petty things, people are killing others for not believing the same as they do, and for what? what if when the lights go out it is it? We will have wasted the life we did have. Of course I didn't go into all the details to my son, and I am rambling right now, gathering each piece of thoughts. I told him of Mormonism, that believe that we were all together in the pre existence and chose to come to earth as a test to make it back to our loving Father in Heaven. He sent his son Jesus Christ to atone for us and to bring us back, we will go to a spirit world until we await the second coming and  judgment to a degree of glory and literally become like God. God the father and his son, Jesus are separate beings. I then told him of Christianity (Mainstream. I say this because LDS believe they are Christians but there is so many differences between the two from my studies that I say them separate here so those reading know what I am trying to talk about) They believe that as you accept Jesus Christ as Lord you are saved. The trinity is a Father God who loved us so much he came as a human being to save us from the original sin. All we have to do is accept Christ as our savior and we are saved. They believe in grace, that no matter what, we will be saved. Once one accepts Christ, usually their actions change, but their actions aren't what matters as it does in Mormonism, because it's through "Grace alone" not "After all we can do." I told my son a little bit about what reincarnation (Which if i got to chose, I would chose this one.. sounds fun:)) Buddhism, Hinduism, Islam, and Judaism believes in. My point to him is there are so many people who believe in something. For me, I believe in myself. I may be broken like the rest of humanity, but I have faith in it. I don't need someone to save me, for only I can save myself. If there is a God, I would hope he is universal and loves us all. HE didn't send us here to come back to be judged to see how well we obey and accept him, He sent us here like a birth parent, with the materials we would need to learn and grow and save ourselves. He gave us a brain. He wants us to experience, and when we decide to not hurt others and not hurt ourselves we are on a higher plane of learning. That is my hope. That there is no judgment, but learning through experiences. When we can get rid of guilt, and her sisters shame and fear, it is then we can grow. I told my son that he gets a chance that most people don't, he gets to chose for himself. He may grow and chose something different than all of his siblings and all of mine, and it won't matter because we will accept him and his siblings the same. I don't love my kids for what they do or don't do. I love them for who they are. I want my kids to fall and scrape their knees and fall on their face so they know how to get up and learn from it. Most people are born into their religion and believe it is the only true one. That is good for them, but sometimes when we have this "We are right, you are wrong" mentality we create barriers, not bridges. One has to ask themselves if they were born into a different religion, why would they ever turn to the one they are in now? They probably would be so sure that the one they were born in was the right one because their parents and so on and on taught them that. Not to discredit anyone's faith here, my point is to search your soul, find your answers and respect others to live their lives. "There are many paths up the mountain, the only one lost is the one going around telling others are lost." Many may think they know my journey, why I don't go any church anymore, but odds are you have no clue because they haven't simply asked, and if I feel like it is worth taking the plant out of my soul in a safe environment of love, I may tell you. Assuming can be an enemy, which is why I wanted to educate my son in ALL Aspects that I know of, that may happen when we die and to not fear any of them.