Through Grace Alone. (This post I will put TRIGGER warning on, there is talk of suicide in it)

1. "Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
   That saved a wretch like me!
   I once was lost, but now am found;
   Was blind, but now I see.
2. ’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
   And grace my fears relieved;
   How precious did that grace appear
   The hour I first believed"
   
   

    (As I write this, many times my heart jumps because I don't think people are going to understand, or feel they need to try to save me. I have felt the need to be completely honest and write the words out to educate other people. I am being very vulnerable by letting these emotions out right now. I may come back and erase some of them, but for now here it goes)

 I have always had a love for religions around the world, a curiosity to sit and chat to learn about people who thought differently than I did. I still enjoy learning what others believe and hold dear to them. I believe we can learn something from everyone we come into contact with, if we put aside being right or wrong and just listen. If we can't do that then we will be stagnant and not able to learn from a person who may have some little gift to teach us. I struggle however, when others look down on people who don't think or feel like they do. I feel like many people miss the whole point. Sometimes people are so worried about being right, they forfeit the gift of learning.  

( I wrote this one morning after I was tired of my triggers and I wanted to see the gift different people have taught me: Atheism taught me to live in the NOW, and not to fear the unknown. Mormonism taught me a love of heritage and service. Christianity taught me self acceptance and grace. Buddhism taught me tranquility and meditation. Humanism taught me to have faith in humanity and unity. Education is the key to unlock understanding and walk through the door of acceptance. The choice is up to us to build bridges, or barriers and to bask in the beauty  of differences. If we open our hearts and minds we may just learn something from each  human being that comes into our lives. Empathy- Pass it on.")

If only in a world where we put differences down for a minute to learn about another human being. It doesn't have to be religion, it can be someone's different culture, problems they face, places they have been, or ANYTHING.  It's only then that we can hold hands of empathy and walk out of the comfort of our inner peace and give to the bigger picture of world peace. I have learned so many different concepts that are beautiful when it comes to the word "Grace" .   It means different things for different  different people. It even now means something different for me. For me, Grace is something that has a saving effect, but it also has to come from myself. Yes, I said that right,  Grace comes from MYSELF. For me, giving MYSELF grace is a beautiful concept once one learns how to do it. It's the hardest thing to do, but the most rewarding. I have learned to give myself grace by doing a lot of self care, and learning to truly love who I am.  The only way to do this is by accepting all aspects of myself, including my flaws. I have many flaws, but without those flaws I wouldn't be where I am today. I also have lots of creative talents, and personality traits that I admire.  I have learned that I am enough. I feel like when this concept clicked I was able to grow my own wings and soar to destinations within my soul that I have never been able to before. I ask the question then, Why is it so hard to love ourselves sometimes? We would offer the world to our loved ones and forgive them of their mistakes, yet too often we  can't do the same for ourselves? If we don't have our back, who will? Once one can learn to take in all the good and all the uglness this life has to offer, and accept the footprints of pain that we have left on our memory, is the ONLY time when we can truly learn to grow. By doing this, I have started to realize that maybe this life isn't about just going through the motions of life and doing what we are told. I don't want to teach my kids how to just obey whatever I say because I said so, I want to teach them to think for themselves.(Of course you are going to have kids ask TONS Of questions and sometimes you think that "because I said so" Was a much easier option!! However, I am going to have some adult children who don't know how to do things on their own and they will only wait for someone to tell them what to do. Parenting is hard and there is no one right way to do it, sometimes we are teaching ourselves a concept right before we teach our offspring. I decided I want to teach my children to be empathetic powerful beings and realize that maybe this life isn't about judgment or fear of failure. Sometimes they need to fail. It's not about how well they did when someone told them to do something,  instead its where life lead you to be able to listen to someone, stand up for someone who has different beliefs than they do, and find respect towards others.  Maybe its about falling on your face and getting up to listen to someone who is hurting. How can one do this if they don't understand empathy? Maybe it's not about focusing so much on the goodness you have to achieve to earn grace, maybe it's about finding grace in the faces of those you have stopped to help. Maybe life isn't meant to be judged with a pat on the back for never getting your shoes dirty, maybe it's about taking off your shoes to give to someone who doesn't have any. Maybe life is so full of helping others, that sometimes we forget to give it to ourselves. For some reason we find it repugnant to allow us to say "I love who I am." But I believe when we offer ourselves this love, we can accomplish more than we ever thought possible. Here are a few of the different aspects of my journal this week below:

 
Sept 28, 2015-
      I wrote this a few days ago when I couldn't sleep. I was struggling and scared of the thoughts that crept into my mind. I had to fight to get them out and scream for common sense to come in. I fought for my life. My kids keep my feet planted on this earth. They give me time to plant my own seed of belonging.
      "Over the years I have learned and continue to learn how to help when the fog of depression seeps in. Sometimes I can see it coming, and other times I run right into it blinding my way. For me personally, I have learned that my only saving grace is self care and being gentle with myself. If it means I need to sit in bed all day and watch Netflix and eat sugar- so be it. Before I would beat myself up with negative self talk and how horrible of a mom, wife, friend and so on that I was being. All this did was lead to a circle of self destruction. What scared me is seeing my brain take over and try to tell me lies that "If I were to be done, my youngest two would have an easier time to get over it. My youngest asks when she sees a dead spider "It dead?" so she would look in her mothers casket and tell her dad "mom dead?" She wouldn't understand. I am sorry but I had to get that thought out of my head, I know thats a flat out lie, all my children would be changed forever. They would never be the same. I NEED my children probably more than they know. Sometimes I feel selfish for having children because I wanted to be a mother, oh how I love being their mom. I beat myself up for not being the mom I thought I would be. But I lucked out and I have great kids. I wouldn't ever want to hurt them. The lie in my head came back to haunt me.... " maybe when they are all married and have someone that is the time you can stop this damn fight." A HUGE LIE again. If something were to happen to my mom even now I would be so lost. I cringe to think of the day that its going to happen. I can't think about it because my heart breaks into a million pieces and I will never be the same. She is the only one I talk to on the phone daily. We don't always see eye to eye on things, but we have learned to treat each other with love and respect. I tear up writing this just thinking of the loss of my mom. I am never going to do that to my children. I fought this ugly battle last night in my head. It scared me how bad it got. I haven't felt that in a long time. I normally have the self care to hang on until the fog lifts. There were too many triggers that all jumped in my soul and I couldn't hold on. It's like holding on for dear life on a branch that is leaning over a cliff. My hands get tired and I have impulse decisions rush through my mind. I have to ignore the impulse and hold on. As long as I have my children, I will not be going anywhere. This is the ugly thoughts that I have let out of my subconscious door. I am scared to write them out because this isn't who I am. This is the battle I fight. SO what do I when bad thoughts like this cross my mind? I try to implement my good graces before that  dragon of sorrow bares it's ugly head around the corner. I can shield myself the best I can. I will get the blows but I will be able to use these tools to fight back. I may be a mom who is in chronic pain and in bed a lot during these times, but at least my kids can come into my room and have their mom there. I force myself to get up and try to clean, but we all know once I'm out of depression my house will look better. I allow it to be a mess, if I have to let kids eat cereal for a night or two or hell even four, then so be it. I can hear their happy voices and I see how excited they are they get breakfast for dinner.  It's a win-win because they actually eat all of it! Looking at the positivity and stop blaming myself for my failure, is KEY. SO if you are reading this and you are lost in negativity and can't get out- you have just poured yourself one scary cocktail. Mix depression in it and my dear you better HOLD ON for dear life. Good news, is you can find the care you need, it will be the hardest thing, and many of it will fall out the window when you are beaten down, but even a glimmer of positivity and fighting those lies in your head will save your life. For me a lot of self care can cost money like getting a massage. For me that is very therapeutic but I have to find ways that I can find care that is cheap. I currently love writing this blog. It gets my emotions out and I am someone who has to let them out. Getting enough sleep, when insomnia doesn't kick in is huge for me. Eating good and working out go out the window when  I am down so learning not to talk down to myself is a boundary. Telling people " I will try better" to meet their needs is no longer something I can say. It sets me up for failure. I am struggling, and I can't do better right now, so sometimes people have to find their own ways to set boundaries so they can protect themselves from getting hurt. I notice that I don't mean to but I have pushed people away because I am sick and tired of feeling like I can't be more for them.
      I once read an article on pinterest that listed all the goals there are still to accomplish in life before it's over. Some stated "to watch my kids get married, get a degree, get a tattoo, to undo a tattoo,  watch the next season of my favorite tv show, see the ocean." Some were simple, but if we can think of the small things that we have to look forward to, we are then able to build them up as a reason to keep on going. This list has actually helped me look forward to things. I know people who wanted the pain to stop so bad that they decided they would get tattoos when they were in their down sides. I told a friend, "BY ALL MEANS IF GETTING A TATTOO WILL KEEP YOU ALIVE, COVER YOUR BODY." It's another reason we have to be careful not to judge other people who do things we may or may not agree with. It's their self care, it's their saving grace, until they can find a way back to health.

Sept 27, 2015-
A woman has tried to commit suicide. A dear friend of mine started a beautiful thing, she had everyone buy a charm and write a post to this girl. When all the charms are collected a beautiful bracelet will be given to her with the meaning behind them. I wanted to share mine: Angel Wings.

"I chose this charm of angel wings but not in a way you may first think. I've struggled with depression for most of my teenage life. I was diagnosed with Bi Polar II, four years ago after I tried to get help when I thought the only way possible was a cry for help, which lead to a medical record labeled: suicide attempt.  I am living proof that there is so much life has to offer, but It is a battle. I waited for someone or something to save me and I found out I had to grow my own wings. Yes there are people who are loving us and are angels we can see.... But more importantly, it's up to each one of us to spread our wings that many don't know they possess, and learn to love ourself. That means we have to learn to love the parts of us that others may not want to, we have to love not only the good parts, but the parts that leave scars and scares ourselves. The key for me to balancing out my life is giving myself grace. When you are in a low, I have learned to try to replace negative self talk and allow myself to be in the depression. It's a fight, but I like you am a warrior. I am fighting for this life that is 100% mine. No one not even the thoughts that try to steal myself, get to tell me I can't keep fighting. I want to see my loved ones grow old. We ultimately have the choice, but I've told myself I need a lot of self care, boundaries, and watch for triggers. If I find myself depressed it's ok to lay in bed all day and watch Netflix. My kids can come in my room and I am there. That's the difference from had I succeeded before. My kids would have an empty place where mom once was. You will find something that you can hold onto until you find a healthy balance. For me, that's my family. I learned to love myself by spreading my wings and facing my fears, for its when I faced my fears my self worth grew. I had to climb out of hell to make my wings open up. I love this quote and I send positive energy to you, that you can find the peace within and overtime you will learn how to continue to fight because it's worth it. Here is my blog about my struggles and my helps. Confessionsofayinyang.blogspot.com I am here if you ever want to talk. I hear you, and you are not alone. You may feel broken , but you have the tools to make your wings and soar."

We're All A Little Mad Here...

"Before Alice got to Wonderland, she had to fall pretty hard down a deep hole. "

"It's no use going back to Yesterday, because I was a different person then." 

"You're mad, bonkers, off your head.. But I'll tell you a secret... all the best people are"

 -ALICE IN WONDERLAND

     When I was a little girl, my favorite Disney movies were the ones that had happy endings full of pretty princess's (like Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty), prince's that would save the day by rescuing the girl in distress. I then became a teenager and started to like the girls who could kick butt and conquer hard things.  Or the ones who tried to fit in a place they didn't belong, like Mulan and Ariel. They all had one thing in common though and that was having their dreams come true. In all of this chaos, I missed one HUGE Important lesson by overlooking my new favorite, Alice In Wonderland. No one came to save her, in fact her dreams didn't come true... instead, SHE WOKE UP FROM HER DREAM. She was so grateful that her dream wasn't reality!  Now that I am older I see the parallels of Alice and mental disorders from a lot of the characters. While she was chasing her dream of the white rabbit, she fell. She fell hard. "Nothing was as it seemed" .  I love that emotions range from frustration, anger, fear, laughter, confusion, and peace. No matter what we go through in our life, it can all be summed up by the characters in this Disney movie. Alice had to find her own path. She had to take many turns by meeting people who had their own issues. In the end chasing her dream wasn't what mattered most, it was living in a world that made sense. "If only something would make sense for a change" For a lot of us, we don't wake up from our dreams. We are living it. "I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself you see." 

Alice- "This is Impossible." Mad Hatter- "Only if  you believe it is."  When we believe that we can win this mad nonsense, we realize that "Not all who wander are lost". In fact most the time we can learn from those who have gone before us (even if they didn't make sense to us when we first met them) whether they talked in riddles like the cat (For me the fork in the road and the cat represented many of my faith issues. It's hard enough having bi polar but add a faith crisis to the mix.....) , those who seemed overly happy and out of their minds like the Mad Hatter, angry and OCD like the Queen, whose heart must have truly been broken, or the tired mouse singing "twinkle Twinkle." I feel like that as  a mom at times... tired, and yet still trying. ....(what sorrows did each of these characters go through to become the way they were ? What losses must have taken place for them to settle their minds and tick them into madness?) I could go through all the characters and name something that each probably struggled with, but we forget one important part....."Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly." Maybe in the end, each of these characters were parts of Alice herself. She too would blossom, just not in the way she expected by chasing the white rabbit (maybe this color symbolized his mind was untouched, white, clean, pure)... but he had one problem... he was running out of time. Maybe this symbolized Alice trying to reach perfection, and in this life there is no time or even such a thing.  Alice had to fall in order to find the messy, colorful, full of chaotic characters who threw her for a loop in order to understand all aspects of herself. How many times have we felt like our tears are going to carry us away?How many times do we chase things in our lives, when in reality we just need to learn to accept and embrace the messy, brilliant colors of our broken pieces in the lives we lead? When we can love all the confusing pieces of us, we can find the path to our own peace even in the mist of this dream, that can truly be wonderful in itself. 

Goodbye Stigma, Hello Education

"The only reason I've shared my story is to take that tiny baby step of breaking down the stigma attached to depression." Clara Hughes

"Hello darkness, my old friend 

I've come to talk with you again 

Because a vision softly creeping 

Left its seeds while I was sleeping 

And the vision that was planted in my brain 

Still remains 

Within the sound of silence

you do not know 

Silence like a cancer grows 

Hear my words that I might teach you 

Take my arms that I might reach you" 

But my words like silent raindrops fell 

And echoed in the wells of silence"

     Knowledge is power, power is everything. This blog started out as my escape from life to be able to write my struggles out. I have slowly started to allow people in my life to come read it. Only people who I feel safe with know of my struggle. Odds are one of my children will have Bi polar disorder and it scares me to death that they will have to endure the hardships that come with it until they can find balance. I write this as a place for them to see the honesty of how I dealt with my own story. Some facts about this is that most people are diagnosed in their late 20's, early 30's. It is "genetic, biological, and environmental" . Some may think Bi Polar is something to be feared because someone at the drop of a hat can turn out to be like the Hulk. One minute calm the next a ragging person. I am sure there are people out there when triggered will be this way, but for most people, this is a stigma toward persons living with Bi polar. Many times people won't even know if someone is Bi Polar, just like you can't always tell if someone is in the early stages of cancer. There are times when during mixed episodes this can happen for some, however it's like saying all women are like this during the time of month. While true for many, not everyone is this way LOL. .. there is no one size that fits all. I personally have Bi Polar II which means I am mostly depressed (my last depression was 4 months and I notice it comes from triggers, seasons, and so on) and then with feelings of hypomania. That doesn't mean there is always behaviors that are destructive. Sometimes you just are happy and feel alive. I have been in what's called a "MIXED EPISODE" where you feel depressed, but feel peaceful and have energy at the same time. Honestly, it is the weirdest feeling.  It's during these that most people committ suicide because they have enough energy to follow suit. (people with Bi Polar are 20x more likely to commit suicide than those with clinical depression)  For me, it's more like I'm depressed for a long time, and maybe happy for two weeks before the depression hits again.....sometimes I can tell the minute I'm starting to climb out of the dark hole of depression....and miss the elevator to FEELING NORMAL and go straight on up to " ALIVE"   A lot of times PTSD can make Bi Polar come on faster. It's a survival  mode. You are so tired of living depressed, you want to reach out to breathe. I can come to my husband and say "Oh my gosh, I think I'm in a high. I'm scared. I hate it." and other times when I think I'm just fine, and my husband can tell I am in a high and I am oblivious. I have learned that my husband is my safe guard and that I can trust him. Nothing, like a mental illness can bring you to your knees and nothing can hurt and yet help your relationship more than having someone you can be completely honest to. It wasn't always this way, but that's for another day. Here are the different types of Bi Polar: 

"What Are the Different Types of Bipolar Disorder?

▪   Bipolar I is considered the classic type of bipolar disorder. Individuals experience both manic and depressive episodes of varying lengths.

▪   Bipolar II involves less severe manic episodes than bipolar I; however, their depressive episodes are the same.

▪   Cyclothymia is a chronic but milder form of bipolar disorder, characterized by episodes of hypomania and depression that last for at least two years.

▪   Mixed episodes are ones in which mania and depression occur simultaneously. Individuals might feel hopeless and depressed yet energetic and motivated to engage in risky behaviors.

▪   Rapid-cycling bipolar individuals experience four or more episodes of mania, depression or both within one year.

▪   Mood states are highly variable. Some people can experience mood changes in one week, while others can spend months or even years in one episode."

The funny thing is I thought I was alone when I was diagnosed. Even I had the stigma that people with Bi Polar were a little nutty. I knew a woman who had it, and she was nothing like me. I was scared to even admit I was diagnosed because of how I judged this woman. For instance, she would get angry and she was actually very blunt and quite rude. I on the other hand, never get angry with it. I am sometimes what people call "Too trusting, too nice" and I am never blunt to someone's face. I have come far since then, but you get the point we really were "polar opposites".  Then I started to wonder where it came from, yes, I have history of depression in my family tree, but it wasn't until I talked with some family members that I found out it runs in both sides of my family and it runs deep.  Many times it can be masked with alcohol or drug abuse, because people want the pain to stop so they grasp onto anything to numb the pain. 

If anything, I want the stigma of mental illness to come out and be wiped clean. Ignorance may be bliss for the ignorant, but it leads to pain to others.I think as parents we have an opportunity to make a difference in the lives of our children. I chose to be open about subjects and help my children see sides of different aspects so that they can make their own conclusions and not just conform to mine. I have been to more funerals from suicide than I have of anything else. I sense the pain of the loved one passed on and I get why they did it. Not a judgment call, but more of a "I understand. "  I also see the aftermath of hell from those that loved them, even those they probably never realized their death would have an affect on. As someone who feels deeply, or empathetically, funerals are hard to set up boundaries because I can feel the sorrow way before I even get to the funeral home. Learning to protect and set boundaries so I don't take on others emotions is a struggle of it's own. It's the same reason why I can't watch violent movies, or watch the news anymore. It's effects are crippling. One of my kids came to me and said "My friend .(name withheld) Said that .....(name withheld)... who committed suicide is going to hell. " I asked my kid what they thought. " Wasn't she already living it? We shouldn't judge. We don't know what she was going through." It took me back but made me so proud of my kid. Now, don't read this and think that suicide doesn't have long lasting effects on the families that have their whole life uprooted from suicide. It does, and I don't think anything more can leave impacts on the future generations of those who lost a loved one to it. The only way to combat is like the last article in my previous post said, to understand and to not judge. I had a friend reach out to me recently saying that someone she loved who was going through a faith crisis was in the hospital after a failed suicide attempt. She asked what she could do to help her. I told her the first thing is to educate herself about it. Yes, her friend is going to need a lot of support and love, but just like a funeral, when the weeks or months go by and reality sets in, is the time she will need her most. don't get upset when she cancels plans, when she is alone in her home. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. Of course we all would feel like it is, but it's not. It's something deep within her that she is battling  It's not fair to ask you to be the bigger person, but you will have to be. You will have to not take things personal, and step up. When all the flowers and flowing of love have gone away and she is alone in her mind once more.. is when she needs support. Second, to realize my friend can't fix or change her friend. She can only love her. If she is going to commit suicide, she is going to do it, eventually.. unless SHE decides not to.  She can get all the help she needs, but until she finds that safe haven of dealing with her disease, there is no guarantee. SUPPORT IS HUGE. Sometimes its the leading factor that makes one not feel alone that makes all the difference. I have known people who go to the hospital for a few weeks and have received help. They  are brave to go check in because in this day and age the stigma attached with a "SUICIDE ATTEMPT" can be altering in the workforce, relationships, and so on. But, I believe people who know their limits and know they need help shows that they really understand that they are a survivor and they are going to keep fighting. Third, It's the small things that are HUGE. Bringing dinner, texting a "I am thinking of you and I love you." Asking her if there is anything she needs, sending a flower, a basket of goodies, or a simple note can make all the world a difference. 

Who is at risk of bipolar disorder?

More than 10 million Americans have bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder affects men and women equally, as well as all races, ethnic groups, and socioeconomic classes.

Although men and women appear to be equally affected by bipolar disorder, rapid cycling is seen more often in women. Women also tend to experience more depressive and mixed state episodes than do men. A man's first experience with bipolar disorder may be in a manic state; women tend to first experience a depressive state.

Bipolar disorder can present itself at any age, but typically, onset occurs around age 25.

I think after Robin Williams death, people were shocked. How could a guy who seemed so successful, and funny have done something like this? Sadly, it took the death of someone for stigma to be stirred up and calmed down. When we hear of a shooting somewhere, we automatically think they must be "Crazy" and have mental illness right? But statistically speaking, people with mental illness are more likely to be victims than the perpetrator, and are shown to have high levels of empathy. I think people who go on shooing sprees lack something, EMPATHY.  No one is immune, but we all have a choice to continue to make scare the public about mental disorders that we don't understand, or we can chose to be educated.  A lot of people in creative careers like writing, artist, and actors have mental illness related to depression and/or bipolar. Here are a few. 

Abraham Lincoln (leader) Adam Ant (musician) Agatha Christie (writer) Axl Rose (musician) Buzz Aldrin (other) Drew Carey (actor) Carrie Fisher (actor) Edgar Poe (writer) Gordon Sumner (Sting) (musician) Hans Christian Andersen (writer) Heinz Prechter (entrepreneurs) Isaac Newton (other) Jane Pauley (other) Jean-Claude Van Damme (actor) Jim Carey (actor) Jimi Hendrix (musician) John Dally (sporting stars) Jonathan Hay (sporting stars) Kay Redfield Jamison (other, writer)Kurt Cobain (musician) Larry Flynt (entrepreneurs) Liz Taylor (actor) Ludwig Boltzmann (other) Ludwig Van Beethoven (musician) Marilyn Monroe (actor) Mark Twain (writer) Maurice Benard (actor) Mel Gibson (actor) Micheal Slater (sporting stars) Napoleon Bonaparte (leader) Ozzy Osbourne (musician) Patricia Cornwell (writer)Patrick Joseph Kennedy (leader) Patty Duke (actor) Plato (other) Ralph Waldo Emerson (writer) Rene Rivkin (entrepreneurs) Robert Downey (actor) Robin Williams (actor) Sinead O'Connor (musician) Sophie Anderton (other) Stephen Fry (actor) Ted Turner (entrepreneurs) Tim Burton (writer, other) Tom Waits (musician, actor) Thomas Stearns Elliot (writer) Vincent Van Gogh (other) Virginia Woolf (writer) Winston Chruchill (leader) Emily Dickenson (Writer) Wolfgang Armadeus Mozart (musician) Cathrine Zeta Jones  (actress) Ben stiller (actor) Alfred Hitchock (director) Elvis (singer) Pete Wentz (singer) Demi Lovato (singer) Ernest Hemingway (writer)

REFRENCES:

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/295062.php

http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/bipolar-disorder-whos-at-risk

"The only way to help Bipolar Disorder is to understand, not to judge. "

"The moods fluctuate over the course of days, usually weeks at a time. It’s not a matter of flipping from happiness to being angry or crazy; it involves being happy for days or weeks at a time, and then falling into a depression.

A lot of times, on the news, we see that a person has gone on a killing spree, and then find out the person is bipolar.

The misconception perpetuated here is that most mentally ill people are not violent; in fact, mentally ill people are more likely to have violence inflicted upon them." 

This article took the words out of my mouth. I don't feel guilt as I used to, but the rest really hit home. Here is the full article and I think it was one of the best written I have read in a long time :  http://elitedaily.com/life/know-girl-whos-bipolar/900841/

FULL ARTICLE: "Everyone has ups and downs, but I know a girl whose ups and downs are not so “normal.”

Being bipolar means that for stretches of time, she is so depressed she sometimes can’t get out of bed and function. Things she normally enjoys, like playing with her kids, are devoid of happiness and fulfillment.

She feels empty, aching and heavy. She hurts all over — a constant, indescribable hurt.

She doesn’t want to see or talk to anyone. She cries, and she’s learned it’s better to “embrace” the depressive episode than try to combat it.

At the opposite end of the spectrum, when the “high” (mania) kicks in, her brain is bombarded with thoughts so fast and furious that she can’t write them down as quickly as they come.

She is compelled to constantly “do” in this state: clean, bake, exercise, shop, etc. She can’t stop; no amount of stimulation is enough.

She is euphorically happy, yet there’s an uncomfortability that goes along with it because, in this state, she is never satisfied. She feels invincible and, therefore, can act impulsively. In this state, she finds it unbelievable that she was ever depressed.

The lows are more frequent than the highs.

It doesn’t matter if the sun is shining or if everything is going right, she can plummet into a downward spiral. The depression rolls in like a dark fog, and hangs on. And hangs on. And hangs on. She just has to wait it out and keep breathing, even though it feels hopeless and never ending.

She feels guilty, guilty about her past mistakes. She feels guilty because she’s a terrible mother. A terrible wife. A terrible friend.  A terrible daughter. She feels like a burden to everyone. She doesn’t want to be here, and it would be better for everyone if she wasn’t here.

From the outside, this girl has the perfect life. When people find out about her reality, they are shocked. They tell her she’s pretty; she’s smart; she’s funny; she has a beautiful family. She has it all, so why is she depressed?

I’ve also tried to convince her of these things, but… The girl is me.

There are so many misconceptions about bipolar disorder and mental illness, in general. For one, it is not a flaw in character; it is a flaw in chemistry. My brain isn’t the same as a “normal” person’s.

I did not choose to have this disorder, and I can’t simply “snap out of it.” People also seem to think bipolar disorder means one second, the afflicted person is perfectly happy, and the next second, madness and anger take over, but that’s not how it is.

The moods fluctuate over the course of days, usually weeks at a time. It’s not a matter of flipping from happiness to being angry or crazy; it involves being happy for days or weeks at a time, and then falling into a depression.

A lot of times, on the news, we see that a person has gone on a killing spree, and then find out the person is bipolar.

The misconception perpetuated here is that most mentally ill people are not violent; in fact, mentally ill people are more likely to have violence inflicted upon them.

I understand that unless you’ve experienced this disorder first-hand, you will never truly “get it.” My husband doesn’t get it; my parents don’t get it; my friends don’t get it. I don’t even get it.

All I know is that it’s real, and even though you may look at me and I appear fine on the outside, I am not fine. I am trapped in a living hell, and I never escape my brain.

While I would choose mania over depression any day of the week, it’s still not how I want to feel or how people are meant to feel.

When the depression comes, it’s like someone has hijacked my brain. The awful, intrusive thoughts about what a horrible person I am play over and over in my brain on a continuous loop; I can’t escape it.

There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Depression has no future; all I can do is keep breathing.

I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, not the most despicably evil person alive. The mental pain is worse than any form of pain I’ve ever experienced, including giving birth without an epidural.

Mental illness is an equal opportunity disease; it doesn’t care how beautiful you are, how talented you are, how many Oscars you’ve won. Anyone can be a candidate.

I want the stigma associated with mental illness to go away. The very strong misconceptions never cease to amaze me, and they hurt. Though I might look fine, I am suffering.

There is no logic when a chemical imbalance is involved, and no one should have to suffer in silence. We need to educate people about that — we don’t choose to feel this way.

As Maya Angelou said,

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

I’m not lying about my disorder to get attention or pity, and no one can “fix me,” so don’t bother trying. Just be there for me.  The support system I have is the only reason I’m alive today.

If you believe you are suffering from a mental illness, get help. If you are ever feeling suicidal, reach out. You are not alone. I know it can be scary to talk about it, for fear of what others might think, but not talking about something doesn’t make it go away.

It is crucial we talk about it to obliterate the stigma, so people aren’t afraid to get help. It’s no different than people who get help when they get a cancer diagnosis. Talking about this is the one and only way to make it socially acceptable to admit to a mental illness.

We shouldn’t have to prove we are sick, but that is the sad truth of our society. We judge what we don’t understand, so start talking. Together, we can erase the stigma.

And, maybe one day, the girl I know who is bipolar will no longer feel hurt because of judgment; she will feel loved because of understanding."

I once was an extrovert....

I once was an extrovert as I would be the first one to take cookies to new neighbors and introduce myself. I would go sit next to the ones all by themselves at church, or at school because I put myself in their shoes. I would find the differences of people to make my heart happy. I once visited and worked at a nursing home where I made friends with elderly people who would tell me their life story. I felt the love that they gave me in my life and it truly made me happy. I had lots of friends and made a lot of fun parties, get togethers, and girl nights. I would laugh, and I miss the joy of hearing myself laugh. I had a quick wit and enjoyed things that made me laugh my stresses away. If I was at a party I wanted to go talk to everyone. I felt alive. However, I once was an introvert too.... Growing up I always needed to be with my friend by my side. Once I felt comfortable in a setting, that's when I tucked away the introvert inside me and I came alive. Over the years however, something seeped within me and I am not sure if it's from the faith crisis of losing my religion, my bi polar or both, that I feel like something out of place in this world. I put too much faith in humanity because its what I want to see in this world. A world of love, friendship, and empathy. However, how do you explain to someone that something is trapping you inside. You make plans and they fall through. It's out of your control. I'm not a victim in anything and I do take responsibility, yet there is something that has taken the girl I used to be and has tucked her lifeless body somewhere that I can't find. Sometimes I get a glimpse of her when I see things of my past, hear the songs that meant something to me, or find myself laughing if even for a second. If I could change anything about all of this, this would be it. It's getting worse the older I get and after talking to some people who also have bi polar, I realize I'm not alone in my feelings. We joke that we should make plans but we all know one of us might cancel. The nice part is knowing and understanding that the one who did cancel had that stranger who stole our younger self greet them at the door. They froze and while a huge part of them wanted to go be free, the demon inside won. We don't get mad. What's bizarre is a part of us feel relieved that we didn't have to leave the house. Anxiety stops and we can breathe, until we beat ourselves up for being lonley and feeling that we are pushing people away. We soon come to realize it's not us who is pushing others away, because whatever this monster is, is pushing us away too. We don't understand it, yet we are left trying to explain it. It hurts us too. The worst words someone with bi polar can hear is "why can't...." . There are times my extrovert gets to show herself, but as the years go on its starting to fade. I wish she would come out because I want my kids to know who I was when I was "fun" and why it's so hard for me to go run at the park just to play night games or sit outside to look at the stars. This monster is stealing not only my youth, but the youth of my children. I can't look at it that way or depression creeps in. I just keep busy. I try to find ways to bandage the pain in my soul but it's hard to do at times. I really miss who I once was,yet at the same time I love who I have become. Bi polar much?!

Deep

"Alone with my thoughts; the future and past, 

Sailing along with the flags half-mast.

Memories attacking me, far too many for too fast

They seek me out - and come at last! 

Alone with my thoughts; so dark and dry.

But hopes here with me, lighting the sky.

The gates collapse and soft eyes cry, 

A heart wishing to be free to tumble and fly." 

- deep dark soul poet

Have you ever been canoeing on a lake where you look at the depths as you put your oar into the water? You come across weeds in the shallow part of the water, but as you inch closer to the middle you no longer can see anything but black abyss? You wonder how deep it really is and what is lurking under you.  It scares you to dwell on it and you swift past the blackness faster. I have a dark abyss hidden behind the subconscious door of my mind. I don't know what lurks behind and it's closed for a reason. All the darkness of this disease gets filtered from my mind and slammed behind that closed door. Many times it replenishes itself and I have no idea whats growing. Do I dare open it and try to learn how I am feeling, or will this be a trigger and that darkness will engulf me as if I have fallen out of the canoe and the unseen weeds pull me under? Or is it like a nurse who has to go deep enough to get the IV deep enough to penetrate deeper than the first layer of skin so she can make one better? These are questions I have asked myself this week after my husband asked why I don't tell my true feelings on this blog. I sat and thought for awhile and then realized I am too scared to open that door. I am not sure what impulses might come out from the shadows of my soul and haunt me. I have worked too hard to get to a good place filled with peace and self worth, or is that just the scapegoat because deep down I am sinking and I am sinking fast. Then I feel a part of me able to catch on to something, maybe it's that "hope" that has also been in my mind that shields the subconscious of my mind like a guard at the prison door. It's the definition of bi polar.;Extreme poles. One minute I feel fine, the next I am scared. I'm alone.... and parts of me want to be alone, parts of me longs for people to be around. I am trapped in my own fight. I'm not sure who wins, the introvert or the extrovert in me for that battle.