Summer Lovin'

Summer is usually the hardest time of the year for me. I am not sure if it's because I feel like I need to be a good mom and get out and do things, when anxiety has me shut away like I'm stuck within my own walls even though I want so desperately to get out. Or maybe it's because I hate the heat! When Fall rolls around I feel like I am back to my fun self again and I love the crisp air, holidays, and so on. However, this year since I have found the right cocktail of meds for me, it has been bearable. I have pushed myself to get out and do fun things and I don't overstep myself when I know that I am beat and I need a breather. This last week I have felt the depression trying to seep in, I have insomnia and I can't sleep. I talk to my husband that I am bracing myself for the bi polar episode to come. Luckily, it hasn't been too bad and while I can feel my body feel more lethargic I have also been wanting to get outmore and socialize. I say this but before, I would want to socialize  and then the anxiety would paralyze me an not allow me too. I look back at last summer which was the summer of living hell with my mental illness where suicidal issues led me to white knuckle. Since then I have put a plan in place. I have three numbers of people I can call if I need help. I know what hospital my insurance takes. Being prepared but hopes that I never need it.  because there is no way I can live through that anguish, that one only understands if they have been through that hell.  I love scary movies, but nothing has scared me more than the white knuckling and fighting to stay alive in a mind that was giving up.

So this is what normal feels like. Thanks to getting back on my meds, I have rushed out of the depression and stopped on NORMAL floor for a minute. If life felt like this all the time life would be grand. Many take for granted what normal is. I think normal doesn't mean always happy and things are going your way. Many times its a variety of emotions. Hurt, anger, pain, sadness and so on. However, most of the time you are up beat, not depressed, peaceful, not in soul crushing conflict.

"He drew a circle that shut me out- Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout. But love and I had the wit to win: we drew a circle that took him in. " Edwin Markham

A few weeks ago I was not doing well. I couldn't even write because I couldn't think of what to say. It was one of my lowest points of my life and I white knuckled the temptation of being done with it.  I was able to see a therapist and there I was told to make plans ahead of time for when it hits again. I have three people I will call when I am struggling. I told them upfront. Because, the last thing you want to do is talk to someone who is going to talk you out of it. I called my insurance to find out what hospitals take you. Luckily, I went back to my Dr. and he told me he was upping my Lithium. It seems to have been working so far, and never again will I try to mess with  my meds. I guess its something everyone does at least once. That being said though It is making me gain weight and I worked hard last year to get where I am today. My husband said he would rather me gain weight and be here, than the alternative. 

There has been a lot of thoughts lately, but one I am struggling with still is wanting people to see that I am someone who stands up for the underdog and those hurting. Its hard for me to hear when others will only be friends with someone when they think like they do. I know I am being vague right now, but this is used to be a big trigger. If you know someone who is struggling with what I go through, PLEASE for the love of God, do not act like you are him and you need to judge someone. All you can do is love someone, because words and trying to preach to someone, may just be the finger that pulls the trigger. Love is what they need. 

I thought about writing when I was in a good mood, but maybe I just have more emotions to write when I am in a low. I haven't yet written the post of my latest episode that scared the living hell out of me last Sunday. This post is more for me to remember the feelings I felt.

Oct 20, 2015- " The older I get the harder my depression is to handle. Thoughts one should never think lurk at every corner . I imagine myself driving down a hill and I see a lake at the end of the road. I try to break as hard as I can, but my breaks are broken. It doesn't matter if I stomp on them as hard as I can, nothing stops. Something lunges me forward and all I can do now is try to brace myself for the wreck that's about to happen, and it makes me feel like I'm drowning at times. There are days I wake up feeling like I have been beaten physically, and emotionally I'm in the same type of pain when I loose a loved one,  a pain of mourning.The pain doesn't end. What's weird is I have self worth but impulsive thoughts won't let me breathe. What brings these episodes so strongly and closer together lately is religious triggers. I won't admit how bad I'm at right now but I'm scared. I'm trying to get help. My mom talked to me and for a minute I wanted to just go back to the way things were. If this was God's way of having me turn to him according to her( I would hope a God wouldn't give me this just to turn to him.) then I can't white knuckle it anymore. I put up the white flag! It does matter to me that people are concerned i'm lost for leaving. I feel abandoned because I feel that their love was conditional It's like I take one step forward and two steps back. Maybe I can't do it alone anymore. I have to be vulnerable yet I don't even know where to turn when my higher power was myself and I can barley keep me a float.....Whoever says leaving is the easy way or religious trauma syndrome isn't real has not lived in the hell inside my head."

Friends with a ghost

I lost a friend today.
My heart is shattered into a million pieces
The blow of reality pains me
I mourn time we spent together
I miss the familiarity of her face
The laughter until our ribs hurt
The tears as it stained each other's shoulders
The Joys in life
Comfort in hugs embraced
I was someone she could depend on
I confided in her with deepest heartaches
My heart will long for her even when I see her

You see,  my friend isn't dead,
she is sleeping
Something changed.
I took my clipped wings and learned how to fly
That change unfortunately was me...


Now her words pierce my soul in hopes that will cage my spirit once more.
She haunts my dreams without knowing it
I hope she can truly rest in the peace of
knowing that our differences took the life of our friendship.
Today I set my friend free
For along time ago, she did the same to me.

My blog is going private so if you want to continue to read and haven't sent me your email, please do so. Also, thank you for those of you who have opened up to me or even just commenting. It really helps me and I enjoy knowing that it's helping someone out there too. One thing to mention is that my thoughts run faster than my hands type, so sorry to the Nazi Grammar's out there because I know I have many mistakes if I don't proof read. I need an editor I think... Jk. I will go back and fix the mistakes so hopefully you understand what I am trying to say. :)

Through Grace Alone. (This post I will put TRIGGER warning on, there is talk of suicide in it)

1. "Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
   That saved a wretch like me!
   I once was lost, but now am found;
   Was blind, but now I see.
2. ’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
   And grace my fears relieved;
   How precious did that grace appear
   The hour I first believed"
   
   

    (As I write this, many times my heart jumps because I don't think people are going to understand, or feel they need to try to save me. I have felt the need to be completely honest and write the words out to educate other people. I am being very vulnerable by letting these emotions out right now. I may come back and erase some of them, but for now here it goes)

 I have always had a love for religions around the world, a curiosity to sit and chat to learn about people who thought differently than I did. I still enjoy learning what others believe and hold dear to them. I believe we can learn something from everyone we come into contact with, if we put aside being right or wrong and just listen. If we can't do that then we will be stagnant and not able to learn from a person who may have some little gift to teach us. I struggle however, when others look down on people who don't think or feel like they do. I feel like many people miss the whole point. Sometimes people are so worried about being right, they forfeit the gift of learning.  

( I wrote this one morning after I was tired of my triggers and I wanted to see the gift different people have taught me: Atheism taught me to live in the NOW, and not to fear the unknown. Mormonism taught me a love of heritage and service. Christianity taught me self acceptance and grace. Buddhism taught me tranquility and meditation. Humanism taught me to have faith in humanity and unity. Education is the key to unlock understanding and walk through the door of acceptance. The choice is up to us to build bridges, or barriers and to bask in the beauty  of differences. If we open our hearts and minds we may just learn something from each  human being that comes into our lives. Empathy- Pass it on.")

If only in a world where we put differences down for a minute to learn about another human being. It doesn't have to be religion, it can be someone's different culture, problems they face, places they have been, or ANYTHING.  It's only then that we can hold hands of empathy and walk out of the comfort of our inner peace and give to the bigger picture of world peace. I have learned so many different concepts that are beautiful when it comes to the word "Grace" .   It means different things for different  different people. It even now means something different for me. For me, Grace is something that has a saving effect, but it also has to come from myself. Yes, I said that right,  Grace comes from MYSELF. For me, giving MYSELF grace is a beautiful concept once one learns how to do it. It's the hardest thing to do, but the most rewarding. I have learned to give myself grace by doing a lot of self care, and learning to truly love who I am.  The only way to do this is by accepting all aspects of myself, including my flaws. I have many flaws, but without those flaws I wouldn't be where I am today. I also have lots of creative talents, and personality traits that I admire.  I have learned that I am enough. I feel like when this concept clicked I was able to grow my own wings and soar to destinations within my soul that I have never been able to before. I ask the question then, Why is it so hard to love ourselves sometimes? We would offer the world to our loved ones and forgive them of their mistakes, yet too often we  can't do the same for ourselves? If we don't have our back, who will? Once one can learn to take in all the good and all the uglness this life has to offer, and accept the footprints of pain that we have left on our memory, is the ONLY time when we can truly learn to grow. By doing this, I have started to realize that maybe this life isn't about just going through the motions of life and doing what we are told. I don't want to teach my kids how to just obey whatever I say because I said so, I want to teach them to think for themselves.(Of course you are going to have kids ask TONS Of questions and sometimes you think that "because I said so" Was a much easier option!! However, I am going to have some adult children who don't know how to do things on their own and they will only wait for someone to tell them what to do. Parenting is hard and there is no one right way to do it, sometimes we are teaching ourselves a concept right before we teach our offspring. I decided I want to teach my children to be empathetic powerful beings and realize that maybe this life isn't about judgment or fear of failure. Sometimes they need to fail. It's not about how well they did when someone told them to do something,  instead its where life lead you to be able to listen to someone, stand up for someone who has different beliefs than they do, and find respect towards others.  Maybe its about falling on your face and getting up to listen to someone who is hurting. How can one do this if they don't understand empathy? Maybe it's not about focusing so much on the goodness you have to achieve to earn grace, maybe it's about finding grace in the faces of those you have stopped to help. Maybe life isn't meant to be judged with a pat on the back for never getting your shoes dirty, maybe it's about taking off your shoes to give to someone who doesn't have any. Maybe life is so full of helping others, that sometimes we forget to give it to ourselves. For some reason we find it repugnant to allow us to say "I love who I am." But I believe when we offer ourselves this love, we can accomplish more than we ever thought possible. Here are a few of the different aspects of my journal this week below:

 
Sept 28, 2015-
      I wrote this a few days ago when I couldn't sleep. I was struggling and scared of the thoughts that crept into my mind. I had to fight to get them out and scream for common sense to come in. I fought for my life. My kids keep my feet planted on this earth. They give me time to plant my own seed of belonging.
      "Over the years I have learned and continue to learn how to help when the fog of depression seeps in. Sometimes I can see it coming, and other times I run right into it blinding my way. For me personally, I have learned that my only saving grace is self care and being gentle with myself. If it means I need to sit in bed all day and watch Netflix and eat sugar- so be it. Before I would beat myself up with negative self talk and how horrible of a mom, wife, friend and so on that I was being. All this did was lead to a circle of self destruction. What scared me is seeing my brain take over and try to tell me lies that "If I were to be done, my youngest two would have an easier time to get over it. My youngest asks when she sees a dead spider "It dead?" so she would look in her mothers casket and tell her dad "mom dead?" She wouldn't understand. I am sorry but I had to get that thought out of my head, I know thats a flat out lie, all my children would be changed forever. They would never be the same. I NEED my children probably more than they know. Sometimes I feel selfish for having children because I wanted to be a mother, oh how I love being their mom. I beat myself up for not being the mom I thought I would be. But I lucked out and I have great kids. I wouldn't ever want to hurt them. The lie in my head came back to haunt me.... " maybe when they are all married and have someone that is the time you can stop this damn fight." A HUGE LIE again. If something were to happen to my mom even now I would be so lost. I cringe to think of the day that its going to happen. I can't think about it because my heart breaks into a million pieces and I will never be the same. She is the only one I talk to on the phone daily. We don't always see eye to eye on things, but we have learned to treat each other with love and respect. I tear up writing this just thinking of the loss of my mom. I am never going to do that to my children. I fought this ugly battle last night in my head. It scared me how bad it got. I haven't felt that in a long time. I normally have the self care to hang on until the fog lifts. There were too many triggers that all jumped in my soul and I couldn't hold on. It's like holding on for dear life on a branch that is leaning over a cliff. My hands get tired and I have impulse decisions rush through my mind. I have to ignore the impulse and hold on. As long as I have my children, I will not be going anywhere. This is the ugly thoughts that I have let out of my subconscious door. I am scared to write them out because this isn't who I am. This is the battle I fight. SO what do I when bad thoughts like this cross my mind? I try to implement my good graces before that  dragon of sorrow bares it's ugly head around the corner. I can shield myself the best I can. I will get the blows but I will be able to use these tools to fight back. I may be a mom who is in chronic pain and in bed a lot during these times, but at least my kids can come into my room and have their mom there. I force myself to get up and try to clean, but we all know once I'm out of depression my house will look better. I allow it to be a mess, if I have to let kids eat cereal for a night or two or hell even four, then so be it. I can hear their happy voices and I see how excited they are they get breakfast for dinner.  It's a win-win because they actually eat all of it! Looking at the positivity and stop blaming myself for my failure, is KEY. SO if you are reading this and you are lost in negativity and can't get out- you have just poured yourself one scary cocktail. Mix depression in it and my dear you better HOLD ON for dear life. Good news, is you can find the care you need, it will be the hardest thing, and many of it will fall out the window when you are beaten down, but even a glimmer of positivity and fighting those lies in your head will save your life. For me a lot of self care can cost money like getting a massage. For me that is very therapeutic but I have to find ways that I can find care that is cheap. I currently love writing this blog. It gets my emotions out and I am someone who has to let them out. Getting enough sleep, when insomnia doesn't kick in is huge for me. Eating good and working out go out the window when  I am down so learning not to talk down to myself is a boundary. Telling people " I will try better" to meet their needs is no longer something I can say. It sets me up for failure. I am struggling, and I can't do better right now, so sometimes people have to find their own ways to set boundaries so they can protect themselves from getting hurt. I notice that I don't mean to but I have pushed people away because I am sick and tired of feeling like I can't be more for them.
      I once read an article on pinterest that listed all the goals there are still to accomplish in life before it's over. Some stated "to watch my kids get married, get a degree, get a tattoo, to undo a tattoo,  watch the next season of my favorite tv show, see the ocean." Some were simple, but if we can think of the small things that we have to look forward to, we are then able to build them up as a reason to keep on going. This list has actually helped me look forward to things. I know people who wanted the pain to stop so bad that they decided they would get tattoos when they were in their down sides. I told a friend, "BY ALL MEANS IF GETTING A TATTOO WILL KEEP YOU ALIVE, COVER YOUR BODY." It's another reason we have to be careful not to judge other people who do things we may or may not agree with. It's their self care, it's their saving grace, until they can find a way back to health.

Sept 27, 2015-
A woman has tried to commit suicide. A dear friend of mine started a beautiful thing, she had everyone buy a charm and write a post to this girl. When all the charms are collected a beautiful bracelet will be given to her with the meaning behind them. I wanted to share mine: Angel Wings.

"I chose this charm of angel wings but not in a way you may first think. I've struggled with depression for most of my teenage life. I was diagnosed with Bi Polar II, four years ago after I tried to get help when I thought the only way possible was a cry for help, which lead to a medical record labeled: suicide attempt.  I am living proof that there is so much life has to offer, but It is a battle. I waited for someone or something to save me and I found out I had to grow my own wings. Yes there are people who are loving us and are angels we can see.... But more importantly, it's up to each one of us to spread our wings that many don't know they possess, and learn to love ourself. That means we have to learn to love the parts of us that others may not want to, we have to love not only the good parts, but the parts that leave scars and scares ourselves. The key for me to balancing out my life is giving myself grace. When you are in a low, I have learned to try to replace negative self talk and allow myself to be in the depression. It's a fight, but I like you am a warrior. I am fighting for this life that is 100% mine. No one not even the thoughts that try to steal myself, get to tell me I can't keep fighting. I want to see my loved ones grow old. We ultimately have the choice, but I've told myself I need a lot of self care, boundaries, and watch for triggers. If I find myself depressed it's ok to lay in bed all day and watch Netflix. My kids can come in my room and I am there. That's the difference from had I succeeded before. My kids would have an empty place where mom once was. You will find something that you can hold onto until you find a healthy balance. For me, that's my family. I learned to love myself by spreading my wings and facing my fears, for its when I faced my fears my self worth grew. I had to climb out of hell to make my wings open up. I love this quote and I send positive energy to you, that you can find the peace within and overtime you will learn how to continue to fight because it's worth it. Here is my blog about my struggles and my helps. Confessionsofayinyang.blogspot.com I am here if you ever want to talk. I hear you, and you are not alone. You may feel broken , but you have the tools to make your wings and soar."