Summer Lovin'

Summer is usually the hardest time of the year for me. I am not sure if it's because I feel like I need to be a good mom and get out and do things, when anxiety has me shut away like I'm stuck within my own walls even though I want so desperately to get out. Or maybe it's because I hate the heat! When Fall rolls around I feel like I am back to my fun self again and I love the crisp air, holidays, and so on. However, this year since I have found the right cocktail of meds for me, it has been bearable. I have pushed myself to get out and do fun things and I don't overstep myself when I know that I am beat and I need a breather. This last week I have felt the depression trying to seep in, I have insomnia and I can't sleep. I talk to my husband that I am bracing myself for the bi polar episode to come. Luckily, it hasn't been too bad and while I can feel my body feel more lethargic I have also been wanting to get outmore and socialize. I say this but before, I would want to socialize  and then the anxiety would paralyze me an not allow me too. I look back at last summer which was the summer of living hell with my mental illness where suicidal issues led me to white knuckle. Since then I have put a plan in place. I have three numbers of people I can call if I need help. I know what hospital my insurance takes. Being prepared but hopes that I never need it.  because there is no way I can live through that anguish, that one only understands if they have been through that hell.  I love scary movies, but nothing has scared me more than the white knuckling and fighting to stay alive in a mind that was giving up.