I thought about writing when I was in a good mood, but maybe I just have more emotions to write when I am in a low. I haven't yet written the post of my latest episode that scared the living hell out of me last Sunday. This post is more for me to remember the feelings I felt.

Oct 20, 2015- " The older I get the harder my depression is to handle. Thoughts one should never think lurk at every corner . I imagine myself driving down a hill and I see a lake at the end of the road. I try to break as hard as I can, but my breaks are broken. It doesn't matter if I stomp on them as hard as I can, nothing stops. Something lunges me forward and all I can do now is try to brace myself for the wreck that's about to happen, and it makes me feel like I'm drowning at times. There are days I wake up feeling like I have been beaten physically, and emotionally I'm in the same type of pain when I loose a loved one,  a pain of mourning.The pain doesn't end. What's weird is I have self worth but impulsive thoughts won't let me breathe. What brings these episodes so strongly and closer together lately is religious triggers. I won't admit how bad I'm at right now but I'm scared. I'm trying to get help. My mom talked to me and for a minute I wanted to just go back to the way things were. If this was God's way of having me turn to him according to her( I would hope a God wouldn't give me this just to turn to him.) then I can't white knuckle it anymore. I put up the white flag! It does matter to me that people are concerned i'm lost for leaving. I feel abandoned because I feel that their love was conditional It's like I take one step forward and two steps back. Maybe I can't do it alone anymore. I have to be vulnerable yet I don't even know where to turn when my higher power was myself and I can barley keep me a float.....Whoever says leaving is the easy way or religious trauma syndrome isn't real has not lived in the hell inside my head."