That's me in the spotlight

" Consider this, the slip that brought me to my knees, failed. What if all these fantasies come flailing around. Now I've said too much.... but that was just a dream. That's me in the corner, that's me in the spot light losing my religion... oh no, I've said too much.." R.E.M

Hypermania. Mania. The feeling of being deceived. What does mania feel like? Well I only suffer from hypermania which is not as severe as mania, but for kicks and giggles I am just going to be saying "mania".  As a young kid I was afraid of clowns, they looked so friendly until you are in the 5th grade and you watch Stephen King's "IT." They are a joker that is out for the kill. Mania is a lot like this. After the depths of depression, something inside you comes alive. You have full energy, you smile, you are so fun to be around. The introvert inside you dies and the extrovert is out in full swing. For me, I get very creative and I get a lot accomplished during these creative times. I feel like I am on top of the world and back in high school again, every song on the radio makes me feel free. I feel like when you step inside a limo and lift the roof to stand up and feel the wind in your face and lift your arms in the air and take it all in. If this was the only side to mania, I would absolutely love it. However, here comes the deceiving part. This is the part where when you have mania, the part of your brain that warns you of consequences to your decisions have gone to sleep. You lose your appetite, you work out more, your house is clean, you want to go out with friends, dance, be wild and lose yourself in life. You feel this grand adventure coming on and you can't sleep. You laugh more, you feel like you are beautiful. Far more women than men can get  something called "hypersexuality." This could be triggered from PTSD or just can come on out of the blue no matter how severe, it's also hereditary as the disease. However, hypersexuality isn't really about the act of sex, because no matter how many times you are physical with someone, you can't get satisfied, it just leaves you hollow and frustrated. You start to use people, just to get the next fix of trying to feel good. It may not even be sex, just sexual in nature like texting.  It could be not even having sex with anyone, just the feeling of being valued. This doesn't mean you always sleep with tons of people. It may mean two sexual encounters a year.  However, this also could be with complete strangers that you don't know from Adam. (it's different for everyone so I am trying to include all aspects, not necessarily my experiences) You are so fixed on getting this addiction met that you don't think of the bad things and dangers that can occur around you. It's amazing how it can fall in your lap even when you aren't looking.  It is about the chase of feeling wanted, validated, and loved, that you don't even realize how selfish you are being by using people to get another high like a drug. Then after all this you wake up. The guilt sets in, the sick pain in your gut of knowing you not only hurt yourself by crossing boundaries if you even had any, but you now have to come to turns that you do have weakness's and you aren't superhuman. Over time this gets easier to set boundaries before that part of your brain falls asleep so you have warning signals. If you live with a spouse, other family, or friends that can be there to help you know when you are in a high (because many times you don't realize it at first. ) The worst part is the time comes when you have to come clean to those who love you most and watch a part of you die. You ask yourself why you couldn't have been stronger. You are normally the one with the good head on your shoulders giving others advice,  What's wrong with you? These triggers throw you on the downhill of depression once more. you start to sink and there is nothing your loved one can do to help you out of this. Most people who are bi polar self medicate and they love their highs. I hate them. I can feel them coming on and I love feeling alive but it scares me the damage that might happen in the meantime. I am no longer in 5th grade and I haven't been afraid of clowns for a long time, but there is nothing more haunting then the damage your high can create. Mania's scare the living hell out of me. It's when you are falling back into depression after a high that can be a "mixed episode" when people have just enough energy and depression to end their life. Add low self worth and you have one scary cocktail. That being said, there are ways to learn to give yourself grace, and love yourself with every choice you have ever made, it's all these decisions and experiences that can help us help another.
-A-